When sweet love turns sour grapes

Tuesday Column By VICTORIA NGOZI IKEANO 

vikeano@yahoo.co.uk 08033077519

Two distressing news stories at the centre of each is a woman (unquestionably), brings to the fore, our wrong notion of the concept of love. The suspects in both incidents have been arrested by the Police in Nasarawa state and Lagos state, after what apparently was a case of sweet love that turned to sour grapes. Like most other things that we have distorted, our concept of love is no less distorted. 

What we call love is anything but love in the true sense of the word. It is just like compassion that has been distorted to mean pity. Pity is no compassion, compassion is not same as pity. Genuine love is of the soul, of the inner being. It can move mountains, literally. It can propel  a person  to the noblest, purest deeds that a human being on earth is capable of. It is one of the virtues implanted in us by the Almighty Creator as a quick aid for our spiritual development as we journey through this world. A gradation of love is what is called ‘mother-love’. In mother-love the mother is prepared to do anything for the sake of her child. If for example, the child is engulfed in flames, the mother instinctively, without a second thought plunges herself into it in a bid to save the child.  Although mother-love is best associated with animals, it is also exhibited by a human being.

All said and done, what defines true love is doing only that which is of benefit to the person you love. What is of benefit to him or her is not synonymous with what is agreeable to him/her. Indulging a person is no love for you thereby foster the person’s weaknesses rather than helping him/her to overcome them, thereby ultimately doing what would harm rather than benefit the one you profess to love. Even if punishing him/her in some way or other is the only way to make him/her toe a right path that  is beneficial to him/her,  that is love. Therewith, justice and love are one and the same, strange as it may sound to some people’s ears. Thus, selflessness is a key ingredient of love. Love transcends age and boundaries. One can have love for a man/woman, a friend, a sibling, a biological child, adopted child, a relation, or a cause. I am here referring to genuine/true love whose underlying ingredient is as broadly spelt out here, not the sentimental love in which most of today’s  love affairs whether as marriages or  boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are cloaked.

Let us now take a look at two recent cases of love gone sour that resulted in tragic deaths and see if they fit the bill. In Nasarawa state, a 30 year-old lady allegedly stabbed her boyfriend to death with a kitchen knife during a fight that arose from a quarrel/fight. The state’s Commissioner of Police, CP Adesina Soyemi, through the Command’s Public Relations Officer, DSP Ramhan Nansel  confirmed  the incident in a press statement, revealing that it happened in Ungwan Gwari, Karu local government area of the state. For most persons, the very first words they would utter upon reading this sad news is, ‘a woman for that matter’; some others would sarcastically remark, ‘fear women’.  Both are correct in a way. The first indicates that women are expected to behave in more noble ways than men. Women have implanted in them a ‘thread of substantiality’ or power by the Almighty Creator.  This ‘thread of substantiality’ which is a gradation of power from above makes her more amenable to what is good, pure and noble. In fact all her strivings should be anchored on that. She was meant to use this power from on-high to moderate the ‘brutish’ attitude of the man who is more inclined to act in coarse ways in accordance with the coarse nature of this our world, the earth.  That is, to make him long for nobler things and to bring the virtues (among which is heroism) to full bloom in him.  We call this invisible power within a woman, ‘feminine charm’. Alas, woman has generally, trampled, underfoot, misused, directed this  power bestowed on her for the upward striving of humanity, to wrong uses; as a result of which man’s primary longing  is lust, lust for power, acquisitiveness, greed, with their associated evils of murders, corruption, etc; etc. We women have corrupted/distorted this sacred gift of power given us that makes us psychically stronger than the man. Majority of us now live a false life, a part of our true humanity has been eaten away. And in the midst of this filth has surfaced the equally nauseating concept of ‘bottom power’, yet another caricature from distortion. Women bear greater guilt for the ills and ruins that are now staring our world. A true woman in the true sense of the word can hardly be found today….. 

Concerning the lady that stabbed her boyfriend to death, can we say that she was truly in love? We may argue that love brought them together as boyfriend and girlfriend. However, turn and twist as we wish, giving a variety of excuses for her action (provocation, anger, etc,), the bottom line and indeed, truth of the matter is that there was no genuine love between them. Most of us enter into a relationship and marry for a number of ephemeral, external reasons, save true love. Some of these are physical beauty, sexual gratification, fame, earthly power. Where there is genuine love, selfless love towards each other germinates and there is little room for disharmony. Because of the spiritual power under which a woman stands, a woman who stands aright is extremely good or extremely bad where she derails. That is to say, whatever trait she cultivates or strives after whether good or bad is multiplied tenfold in her in comparison to the man. A woman that for example, indulges in the evil of greed would be greedier, worse than the man. Ditto other good indulgences like for instance compassion. A woman that bears this would be far more compassionate than the man, many times over. Another example is shamelessness. Whereas male entertainers/artistes cover up their bodies in the way they dress while performing, their female counterparts go overboard and exhibit the worst  form of shamelessness by exposing huge parts of their bodies to the viewing public all in the name of fashion.

The other case was the trending story of death of Mrs. Bimbo Ogbonna, wife of a popular businessman, Ikechukwu  Ogbonna (a.k.a. IVD) who reportedly has five children for her husband. The circumstances of her tragic death by fire are not clear – whether she set herself alight or was pushed into the fire. However, the accounts speak of her being truly in love with him from age 18 to the extent of she was giving him her school fees and dropped out of school because of him. What one can add here is that love between couples should be mutual. Where only one of the two parties is in love then there is no balance. Such imbalance would sooner or later make itself felt with disharmony in the home and other discomfiting attitudes. If one shows genuine love and this selfless love was ‘betrayed’ by the other party through some untoward acts, the ‘betrayer’ bears the guilt and the law of reciprocal action which we call karma will catch up with him/her here or in the hereafter;  provided the one who professes true love does not show bitterness, envy, etc.,  towards the ‘betrayer’.