Divorce: A monster threatening marriage lifespan of Nigerians

By Femi Oyelola

Marriage, in simple language, is a legal union between husband and wife, which is recognized by all and publicly accepted by society as a pre-condition for the formation of the family.
Marriage can then be said to be the process through which a social union is formed between a man and a woman or women for procreation, which is bearing and rearing children.
Marriage counsellors across the globe have observed that the single most important ingredient of marriage is companionship in doing things together with the husband as the most valuable aspect of marriage.
It is also noted that emotional support is an important ingredient of marriage for wives. Both parties expect each other to encourage themselves in difficulty, sympathize with each other on failure, celebrate success, embrace their friends, defy their enemies, and be calm when the other is angry. Emotional security is an aspect of emotional support.
However, marriage being a union is found to be characterized by certain demands and expectations on the part of the couple. In addition, such demands and expectations, embrace issues like loyalty in marriage, faithfulness, acceptance of responsibilities, emotional security, companionship, and so on.
One may observe that a marital relationship devoid of the above factors often faces a lot of problems and generates a lot of stains like marital discord, lack of emotional closeness to one’s partner, psychological separation, lack of mutual understanding, role conflict, financial conflict, lack of effective communication, sexual conflict, and unhappiness which obviously can lead to divorce.
Divorce also known as dissolution of marriage or the end of a marriage before the death of either spouse has been an issue on the ground now in Nigeria
There is no doubt that Divorce is a severe family disorganization and a common topic of gossip in our society. This is because divorcees are regarded by society as the worst people in morals, deviants, and insatiable elements.
A divorced woman is regarded as being of such bad character that a man cannot think of remarrying her within a short space of time in the same community. It is the belief of most people that once the first marriage fails, it is never easy to be successful with other subsequent marriages. Divorce has been shown to have some socio-psychological after-effects on both partners and their children.
However, with these socio-psychological after-effects on both partners and their children, the cumulative spousal separation rate in Nigeria had increased by 20% in 2020. This is an indicator that divorce in Nigeria is on the rise and is a major cause for concern.
According to Hajia Hadiza Umar, Executive Director of Hope For Children Initiative, divorce rates are on the increase due to socio-economic factors, mental health, poor communication between couples, and the role of social norms that deepen gender-based violence and is widening gender inequality.
Corroborating this A Citizen Activists Yusuf Ishaku Goje lamented that the rising rate of divorce is alarming and an indication that all is not well with our value system.
Goje stressed that this is made worse by increasing levels of poverty, unemployment, and deprivation.
“We should be worried that the foundation of our society, the family, is continuously under threat.
“More so, we have blindly embraced the values propagated through ICT that go against the family structure and culture encapsulated in our religions and cultures in Nigeria.
“It is not advisable to stay in an abusive marriage. However, we need to revert to the days when issues that are beyond the couples, are resolved by the extended family.
“The changing roles between men and women, especially as regards the capacity to provide for the family is a contributory factor. Similarly, many wed for the wrong reasons and end up filing for divorce when they realize the opposite marriage.
“ Our society is to be blamed for increasingly normalizing and encouraging divorce. The lifespan of marriages is declining by the day. “ Goje said
It is disturbing that Nigeria being a religious country and traditionally inclined is failing in promoting and sustaining those values that protect the sanctity of the family. A dysfunctional society is the result of a failed family system. So if we want to get it right, we must get the family right.
Investigation revealed that only a few Nigerians divorce in a courtroom currently. The trend now is either the wife is separated from the husband, leaves unexpectedly with the children, or one of the couples separates from the other. When one or both couples insist on continuing their separate lives, the home is no longer intact.
However, Hajia Hadiza Umar observed that the impact of divorce is felt as a family unit as children suffer from lack of parental care, abuse, and sexual harassment, and in the community the level of drug abuse and violence is increasing due to depression and lack of counseling services to help, because the woman is left homeless or become a burden to her family in divorce, if she is not economically empowered.
She also expressed worries over the rate of intimate partner violence and drug dependency, saying there are no structures in place within the family, community or government institutions to effectively deal with or avert the situation.
“The patriarchal nature of our society empowers and supports men more than women who are restricted by negative social norms that make them condone difficult situations and make marriage life unpleasant.
“With the economic hardship witnessed, some women especially housewives are finding it hard to cope with their husband’s inability to meet up with the family demands and this brings problems leading to violence and ultimately divorce.
“It is important for all hands to be on deck to help curb this increasing menace. Community leaders, champions, NGOs, and the governments need to support with awareness, counseling services, and support family and community groups to help shift negative norms that relegate women from being empowered so they can help balance the hardship.
“Life skills to help people to be more tolerant, accommodating, and open to dialogue rather than violence. Importantly, we need to also build our self-esteem and begin the healing process with ourselves and unite to build peaceful and resilient communities that will provide social, economic, and psychosocial support to struggling families.” Hadiza counselled
In her reaction, the Executive Director of African Media Development Foundation (AMDF) Mrs. Sekyen Dadik said it is quite unfortunate that the rate of divorce is alarming, though there are no clear statistics as the divorce rate varies across regions.
She warned that the impact of divorce remains devastating to the divorced partners, the children, and the families involved.
According to her, one of the negative impacts people most often overlook is the emotional and psychological effect on those involved adding that it could be easy seemingly for people to walk away and believe they will be fine but a lot of divorced people come on with feelings of anxiety, anger and can lead to mental disorders like depression which in turn affects their productivity.
“For those who were not economically independent, especially for the women, divorce exposes them to untold hardship as they struggle to take on the responsibilities of providing for themselves and the children, especially in cases where support is not received from the other party.
“Divorce can have long-lasting effects on children’s well-being. Research suggests that children from divorced families may have lower academic achievement, higher rates of behavioral problems, and increased risk of substance abuse and mental health disorders.”
On the way forward Mrs. Sekyen Dadik is of the view that many factors come into play in curbing the rate of divorce, as what will work for one couple may not work for another.
She, however, said emphasis must be placed on the foundations of relationships and marriages as that determines if the marriage will stand the test of time, noting that many homes are these days built on lies and deception, once these lies begin to unfold divorce becomes inevitable.
Similarly, the President-Elect Medical Women’s Association of Nigeria (MWAN) Dr. Zainab Kwaru Muhammad-Idris, observed that divorce is a common phenomenon in most societies today, saying while it gives couples a chance to break free from an unhealthy relationship, it also has several downsides, especially when children are involved.
According to her high rates of divorce can have severe psychological effects on children, noting that they may experience bouts of guilt, fear, anger, anxiety, and depression and are more likely to struggle academically.
Dr. Zainab Kwaru Muhammad-Idris, further stressed that Divorce often leads to financial stress, especially for women and children, who may become dependent on a single income or state benefits. It can also mean a struggle for assets and an uneven division of wealth.
According to her, the structure of society may change due to high rates of divorce. Since many couples split at an early age, it leaves them enough time to remarry and start second families or stepfamilies, which can create complex family structures.
“Separations often lead to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, stress, and lowered self-esteem, possibly leading to neglect of work, chores, and other responsibilities.
“Increased criminal activities: Studies have also shown links between high divorce rates and increased crime rates. The emotional and financial strain that accompanies divorce can force some people into criminal activities.
“Impact on health: Negative health impacts due to an increase in stress, depression, and anxiety range from chronic diseases, and poor immune system to a decrease in lifespan.
“Educational attainment: Children from split families have been shown to exhibit poorer educational performance due to the turmoil and instabilities in their family life.
“Intergenerational impact: Children of divorced parents are more likely to have their marriages end in divorce.”
She pointed out that to mitigate these effects, society needs to focus on supporting children through divorce processes, ensuring fair property divisions, therapy or counseling, and creating awareness about the long-term implications of this decision.
“The most important thing however is for couples to avoid conflicts that can lead to divorce in the first place”
A Christian cleric, Apostle Yakubu Yusuf of House of Purpose Ministry, in Chikun Local Government Area of Kaduna State, blamed the high incidences of divorce in the society on what he described as growing secularization. According to him, couples are breaking up as a result of the fact that many families are losing their spiritual stand.
Apostle Yakubu laments that sin is now the order of the day while lots of people no longer value their marriage oaths.
“The Bible does not give easy leeway for divorce. By this, we can say the Bible does not support divorce in any way. Rather, our Lord Jesus Christ placed more emphasis on forgiveness. Couples must be ready to forgive themselves anytime they offend each other. In the case of adultery, which is the only condition given for separation, the aggrieved partner has the option of forgiving his or her offending spouse and letting bygone be bygone or settling for divorce provided they would both remain unmarried for the rest of their lives.
“The high rate of divorce is a function of the declining influence of religion on our society. This has led to marriages becoming less sacred and important. It has equally ensured that divorces are more widely acceptable to couples,” he said.
Similarly, Mallam Ali Abubakar of Ghana Road Mosque, Malali Kaduna said infidelity, lack of trust, and barrenness have been identified as some of the major factors contributing to the high rate of divorce in the country by some stakeholders.
Mallam Ali Abubakar who expressed concern over the high rate of divorce among couples in Nigeria, opined that most parents usually ignore the instructions of the Holy Quran when giving their children out in marriage thereby leading to divorce among many couples.
He advised couples against selfishness, egocentricity, autocracy, and recalcitrance; advocating tolerance, forgiveness, and resolving differences with reason, fairness, and affection to ensure their marriages work.
There is no gainsaying that the lifespan for marriages is declining by the day in Nigeria and Nigerian couples are separating more and more Separation rates in 2020 saw a 20% increase across the whole population.
This is a wake-up call for the people and the government because the termination of marriages in the country is often devastating for the whole family.